So this post might be a bit on the personal side. I don’t do that too often, but this is something I can’t really get off my mind, so bear with me and thanks for your patience.
My Mom passed away when I was 14 years old. She fought a brave battle with Leukemia, but in the end she lost. This week was the 14th anniversary of her death and I’ve really been struggling with that. I realized that from this point on I will have lived longer without her in my life than with her. That fact shocked me and it made me think of all the things I’ll never be able to share with her.
She will never meet my husband or any kids I might one day have.
She will never see my home and meet my dog.
She never saw me graduate from high school or college.
I will never sit with her and talk about life and what we’re reading.
She will never see my byline in a newspaper and tell me she’s proud.
I will never be able to call her and complain about a bad day.
I can’t ask her what her pregnancies were like.
We'll never talk about her memories of growing up, college, meeting my Dad, etc.
I don’t think about these things everyday, but sometimes they overwhelm me. I feel her absence so strongly that it takes me breath away. Grief is such a solitary thing. I love my brother and sister more than I can say, but even though we lost the same woman, we all grieve differently. We can share our memories about her, but in the depth of our grief, we are alone with our thoughts.
Losing someone affects the way you see the world. My biggest fear has never been death it has always been losing another person I love. That terrifies me. My Dad was diagnosed with Lymphoma when I was in high school. He beat the disease, but that experience cemented my fear. I believe that I will see my mom again in heaven, but that doesn’t make missing her any easier.
My Mom was an amazing woman. She was incredibly smart and strong. She taught me to value those qualities in myself and in others from the time I was young. She challenged me to always do my best. She was stubborn and driven and loving. She prepared me for life in so many ways and she is such a big part of who I am. I miss her everyday, but I’m also so grateful for the time I had with her.
Thanks for letting me share that.
Photos of my Mom when she was young and on her wedding day.